If you're 30 and
thinner than you were in high school, then Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If you know all the
lyrics to any musicals besides Jesus Christ Superstar, then Miss Thing,
you're a queen.
If you know the
difference between a "soundtrack" and an "original cast
album," then Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If the only
professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics, diving and figure
skating, then Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If you ever watched
the Miss America pageant and said, "Where did she get that dress!”
Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If you own any
article of clothing with the logo "2(x)ist," then Miss Thing,
you're a queen.
If you've ever
walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men say hello to you, and
you cannot recall a single face or name, then Miss Thing, you’re a
queen.
If you've ever even
for a second wondered what size butt plug you'd take, then Miss Thing,
you're a queen.
If you ever been to
a professional football game spent the whole time watching the
cheerleaders and critiqued their performance, then Miss Thing, you're a
queen.
If the names Jeff
Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then,
Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If you ever
spontaneously quoted any lines from Steel Magnolias, then Miss Thing,
you're a queen.
If you ever bought
a pair of jeans because they gave you either a nice basket or butt, then
Miss Thing, you're a queen.
If you have more
friends named Richard, Steven and Michael than Rich, Steve and Mike,
then Miss Thing, you're a queen
If you ever coifed
so aggressively you drew blood, then Miss Thing, you’re a queen
If you require 2
syllables to say "please," then Miss Thing, you're a queen
If your pairs of
shoes out number the days of the week, then Miss Thing, you're a queen
If you ever trimmed
your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then Miss Thing,
you're a queen
If your dog is
smaller than a breadbox, then Miss Thing, you’re a queen
If people admire
your "six-pack" and you don't drink soda or beer, then Miss
Thing, you're a queen.
