THE MASKED LIFE OF A GAY PERSON

Written by Nancy Y. Xu.  Translated by Andre' Ting, with minor corrections/modifications

"The only difference (between me and straight people0 is my sexual orientation. However, for all these years, I have had to wear a mask in order to lead a cautious life."

Andre' Ting didn't know he was gay until he was in the graduate school in Texas. "Before then, I had thought I was just like everyone else," he recalls. His orientation seems hereditary. He has two brothers. His parents once also had a girl, who died as an infant. Before he was born, his mother had hoped to have a girl. Ting grew up as a typical boy in every way, from his clothing, to his speech, to his mannerism.

He went to a Catholic university in Texas. Even though it was very conservative and strict, all-men college, many of his fellow schoolmates talked about their experiences with their girl friends. Ting however discovered that he was not at all interested in the opposite sex. Later when he was a grad student, he was repeatedly visited by a gay alumnus. One night, this friend took him to a gay disco. There he finally found a place where he felt comfortable, a place he could call his own. His friend said he had observed him for a long time. He had suspected that he might be gay, and so he showed him the gay club.

Ting is now middle-aged. He was born in Soochow (Suzhou). When he was 3, his whole family moved to Hong Kong. At 13, he migrated with his family to Malaya (now Malaysia). At 21, he came to study in the US, by way of Brazil. Both of his parents were well-known writers in Hong Kong. When they were alive, they often urged him to get married. They even asked match-makers to try to find him a good spouse. But he always put the matter of marriage off.

And now his parents have all passed away. His father never knew he was gay. He came out to his mother about 10 years ago. He said that his mother was an open-minded person. When she heard his revelation, she only asked, "But I am a woman. Do you like me?" He answered, "Mom, you are my mother! Of course I love you the most." He started to cry when he was recalling this incidence.

"The only difference is my sexual orientation." Ting remarked. "However, for all these years, I have had to wear a mask in order to lead a cautious life."

He said for a long time when he was living with a partner, his mother was not aware of the situation. When she visited his residence, he had to hurriedly remove pictures and other stuff so as not to cause any suspicion. Also, at his job where he has taught for over 20 years, no one has thought that he is gay. Whenever he invited his colleagues from work for a party in his home, he would remove certain things. If his boyfriend happened to be around, he would introduce him simply as his roommate.

He said that even though gays and lesbians are protected by law in California, there have been gay-bashing incidences. Only those employees in relatively high positions of large companies would come out of their closets. The vast majority of workers, especially among the Chinese, take the same attitude as his --- live cautiously and don't talk about their sexuality. "Because we don't know if there is any homophobic person around us, so for the sake of safety and security, we have to act (like straight people)."

Ting said that often when he hears other people telling gay jokes, he can only go along and laugh with them. When he is outside in a public place, or even outside of his front door chatting with his boyfriend, he is being very careful. "You can't say anything wrong!" The saddest part is that when his straight colleagues talk about their weekend social activities, he is not able to do the same at all."

Even more pitiful are some gay Chinese. They don't have the courage even to attend some gay functions. Once the Chinese Rainbow Association had a Chinese New Year banquet in the San Gabriel area. Some gays made excuses for not attending. As they worked for Chinese companies, they were fearful of losing their jobs if it was known to their employers. They said that they would

"I've gotten used to these incidences," Ting laughed in a resigned manner. "Perhaps this is the price the gays are paying."

"Like everyone else, I yearn to love and be loved. Like all, I fantasize for happiness," he said with emotion. He has had several boyfriends. His parents loved and dedicated to each other their entire married lives. Yet after spending half of his lifetime searching, he has yet to find his soul mate.

When he was in his 20s, he had a deep and genuine love relationship with his first boyfriend. He enjoys cooking. He can prepare Shanghai, Hong Kong-style (Cantonese), and Szechuan dishes. He even published a cookbook. When his lover came to visit him, he would cook a variety of dishes for him. But when he left after their breakup, he was devastated emotionally. After one month he lost 4 or 5 pounds. "The food just became tasteless to me."

Slowly he recovered from his heartbreak. He has had several boyfriends since, but none was a good match. Among them was a Latino who used illegal drugs. He warned him not to do so, but he continued his habit. Eventually he terminated the relationship.

Ting said it is not easy to find an ideal partner. His ideal lover would be one with similar interests, honest, and good-looking. It would also be a matter of destiny. Having a Chinese lover would eliminate any cultural differences. However there is not a large Chinese population in the US. Among them eligible gay men are even fewer. Because of their work and daily contacts, they have had more luck with non-Chinese men. Ting has never had a Chinese boyfriend. He said he too realizes that it is kind of strange. There are many non-Chinese gays who are attracted to Asians though. It is puzzling.

Ting has thought of adopting or having his own child. Once he and his then boyfriend looked into having a child with his boyfriend's sister, so that the kid would have the genes of both of them. But the plan never materialized. He has also entertained the idea of paying a woman to conceive his kid by giving her $30,000 or so. Having kids by artificial insemination is not uncommon among the gay population. But Ting has so far never found the right person to have a child with.

Ting's current boyfriend is 40 years old. His is half African American and half Native American. They have some similar personality traits. But living together for a long period of time, it is hard not to have conflicts. Ting said that when they had problems before, he had thought that his boyfriend did not really love him but was using him. Now they are getting older, especially his parents have both passed away, he often reminds himself not to get angry. If they have trouble in the future, they will try to part peacefully. It is not easy to live a gay life. Gay people should make the best for their lives.